Top 5 trips of a lifetime

As I sit here with an ice pack on my knee from yet another attack from a seemingly smooth surface of a floor, I can't help but reflect on all the moments in my life where walking just seemed so darn hard. I suppose you could blame me for wearing tall shoes all the time (seriously love being tall and looking down on everyone at the bar, literally, and arguably figuratively too), but before you judge me, you should also know I trip rocking toms, I fall wearing sneakers and I've rolled my fair share of ankles just walking barefoot through my apartment.

To my haters out there thinking, well this just sounds like a you problem, piss off! I'm not looking for sympathy here, just someone to hold my hand occasionally so I don't fall, and when I inevitably do, because gravity, someone to extend a hand to help me up as they quickly scan the room and reassure me no one saw a thing. So while all the twenty-something bloggers out there are writing about their amazing trips they took that they can't afford, I have compiled a list of my own favorite "trips" that I have taken along the way. 

The Top Five Trips of a Lifetime

5. Abbey Road
It seemed only fitting that I dedicate this first "trip" to the place I have tripped the most; all the sidewalks, alleyways, and streets that seem to jump up and grab at my feet as I attempt to navigate my way through life. I don't have a car and I walk everywhere, which just means there are far more opportunities for me to take "trips" throughout the day. Over the years, I have discovered the secret ingredient to a good trip.

Step 1: Look down at your feet as you are mid-trip, and laugh like you have just said something really funny.

Step 2: Never fall. Only a lesser athlete would fall on this type of trip, so as you catch yourself, make sure to throw your head back in laughter and then smile a small, secret smile at the world as if to say, not today sidewalk, not today.

​4. Wounded Knee
Occasionally, a few of my trips will end in a fall. Generally speaking, alcohol is involved and the athlete in me has become impaired, rendering me incapable of catching myself before taking that final tumble to the ground. My latest wounded knee I blame on the handicap and their constant need to feel included at bars via ramps and whatnot (chillax snowflake, this line is purely for comedic affect, I am about to become the disabled after this fall). After two tall vodka sodas, a bathroom break was required. As I walked back into the room, I caught my toe on the edge of the ramp and down I went, landing directly on my knees. The nice bartender was right behind me and kind enough to help me up, however, not kind enough to send a free drink my way (sigh). Gotta love my friends though. They were quick to rush over and ensure no one saw a thing. 

3. Wimbledon  
Alright, so it wasn't exactly Wimbledon, more like anytown U.S.A. tennis courts, but I was in a tournament nonetheless and dressed in my tennis whites and ready to take down the competition. This was the first time I was rocking an all white tennis dress (it was the nineties and tight tennis dresses were all the rage) and I was already feeling a little self-conscious about it. Of course it had to rain this day (it was an indoor tournament) and after waiting for the rain to lessen, it was clear I was going to have to make a run for it. As I was racing my way to the end of the street where my car was parked I was just two short steps away when my foot hit a patch of mud and slide out from under me. In an instant, I was down on the ground, my white tennis dress covered in mud and grass stains. Tail between my legs, I returned home to quickly change. My dreams of pretending to play in Wimbledon died that day, along with that dress that I vowed never to wear again (so dramatic, I wore it a week later at another tournament). 

2. Ice-land
I already know what you're thinking, why on earth are you wearing heels when it's icy outside. Dammit, stop judging me! This was a small town, the husband was dropping me off at the door and you know how I like to be tall! After attending this fancy schmancy gala, everyone decided to head to the bar. Instead of dropping me off at the door (hence why he is now my ex-husband), he parked the car a few blocks away for us to walk together. To be fair, he didn't realize the alley was covered in black ice, although I am pretty sure he realized it was cold AF outside and a gentleman drops a lady off, but I digress.

I take two steps out of the car and my stiletto wearing self didn't stand a chance against the ice. I was two bottles of wine deep at this point and I didn't even see the fall coming. I landed like a dead body outlined in police chalk, catching myself with my face, literally, my head bounced off the ice when I fell.

From the distance I hear "Oh shit, are you okay babe?" followed by "Can you get up on your own, it's really slippery over here and I don't want to fall." (Thanks dick wad).  As I lay there, mentally preparing myself to push myself up and make my way back to the car, the realization crept in that it wasn't just my face that hurt, or my pride. The black eye eventually heeled, but my heart did not. That was the last winter I spent with my husband. I can pick myself up just fine when I fall, but I would like to think a man worthy of me wouldn't let me.  

1. Casa de Eades
That's right, the number one, most epic fall of all time occurred without any witnesses, in the comfort of my own home. I was rushing to get ready and was already running late (classic Eades antics) when I stepped out of the shower to discover I did not, in fact, have a towel hanging behind the door. Instead of standing on the rug, air-drying a bit, I took off as fast as I could to my bedroom to grab a towel, running through the kitchen and dining room, leaving a trail of water (soon to be tears) along the way.

As soon as my feet hit the hardwood floor in the living room, it was game over; both feet went out from under me, arms flailing along the way as I desperately tried to stop the fall. As soon as I hit the ground I felt a sharp pain travel up my arm. Dear God, please don't be broken, please don't be (stretches out arm) whew, all good. As I lay there, naked, covered in my own shame, examining the rest of my parts to ensure bones were intact, I noticed a small pool of blood forming on the top of my foot. Somewhere along the way, the top of my toe hit something and yadda, yadda, yadda, I'm fine guys. Just another day in the life of Eades.