This Is Why I Can’t Be Left Alone At A Bar

Okay, so I'll be honest here. This title is a bit misleading. There are a plethora of reasons why I shouldn't be left alone to my own devices that I am not going to mention. But spoiler alert, most of these stories have a common theme (me left alone) and another human (usually a man) that is also alone at the bar. The other commonality these stories all share is that I am generally not interested in these humans, numbers are exchanged anyway, and yadda, yadda, yadda, rarely does the story have a happy ending. On second thought though, I suppose since two of the stories end in a marriage and a desperate proposal, perhaps the rest of the endings aren't so bad after all...but I digress. The downside from being Midwest polite is my inability to scowl or give off that unapproachable vibe. I can't help it guys, I'm friendly! So if you leave me alone at a bar for too long, don't be surprised if you show up and I've made a few friends...even if you just left to use the bathroom. Seriously guys, this is not my fault. There is something about the combination of glasses, my classic cackle and adorable but not hot face that just says, come on over and say hi guys!  So last night, as I sat there reading my latest Deepak Chopra book, sipping my glass of wine and minding my own business waiting for my friend who is now 45 minutes late, naturally I ended up making a friend...

Classic Tuna, what's his name?
Haha, come on guys you know I don't remember his name! He's Italian and short AF. My brain only has so much room for information and suffice it to say, short Italians do not get filed away. Jersey Italians are not my thing...and yet, here we are. I'm 10 minutes into this conversation and we've already talked about quantum physics, Jesus, and my life story. Only I would end up in deep conversation about the universe and meaning of life at 8pm on a Monday night. Sigh...is this why I am undateable? Fuck, pretty sure I threw a few history lessons into the conversation and when he mentioned he played tennis I'm pretty sure I mentioned my accolades in college during my tenure on the tennis team...yes, I think I even used those words (insert why am I like this emoji here). In my defense, I did't realize until much later in the conversation that this guy wanted to bang me. I thought we were just two divorcées bellied up at the bar just exchanging deep thoughts on the universe.

Haha, classic Tuna. You should add history lessons and quantum physics to your list of pickup lines
Ugh, I know right?! Except those aren't my pickup lines guys, that's just Tuna being Tuna...Anyway, so yadda, yadda, yadda, I'm currently considering making him my next dating mistake. Before you start judging me, you should know that I am not basing this solely on the fact that he has a really nice body, which I know about only because he cracked a joke about being an underwear model and then produced an unsolicited underwear pic (eh, I might have demanded proof of the modeling). Anywhoo, I had just enough wine to give him my number and yadda, yadda, yadda, this is why I can't be left alone at the bar. 

But Tuna, what about all the times you go the bar alone?
Yeah, that's also probably a bad idea too. Although those scenarios usually end up with me talking to the guy that's in town for work or the guy that's probably really great but I don't like him and/or he is short...for the love of God why are they always so freaking short?! And to clarify, I am not an alcoholic, I just hate cooking and don't mind bellying up to the bar by myself for a meal and a chat with the neighborhood bartender. 

So, you are going on a date with this guy?Probably. Assuming it fits in my schedule. Stop judging me, I am busy! Summer is around the corner, my abs are no where to be found, friends are getting married and did I mention I need to get my ass to the gym more? I refuse to spend summer hating my body. But yeah, I'll probably go on a date with this guy. He thinks he can sleep with me on the first date, I like a challenge and proving men wrong, what could possibly go wrong with this scenario? Stay tuned folks, summer lovin' is happening so fast ;)