My Failed Pickup Lines

Alright guys, so I know this is going to come as a shock to some of you, but I have terrible pick up lines that fail miserably over the years. And yet, I still keep trying...I blame my dad mostly. My pick up lines are straight out of the dad joke/pick up line play book. I would like to believe that somewhere out there (beneath the pale moonlight) there is a man that will find my pick up line adorable and yadda, yadda, yadda, we will live happily ever after. But until that happens, my life is your laugh. And you're welcome. I've compiled my top 5 failed pick up lines for your enjoyment.  

Breakfast at Tiffany's 
Okay, hear me out on this one because I thought I was being very clever here. This guy and I have been locking eyes all night. I'm more than intoxicated, my favorite local band is playing and my dance moves are, well forget about those. So we are all singing the Breakfast at Tiffany's song when I decide to lean over and say, "I like breakfast, what about you?" (insert all my friends laughing at me when I retell this story here). Naturally he responds, "I love breakfast," (because what asshat doesn't like breakfast) and I follow up with, "Well, that's one thing we've got," (adorable, right?!) and then proceed to introduce myself. Does the story end here...nope! Because then I have to follow it up with my next pick up line...

Lord of the Rings
That's right people, I thought it was more than appropriate to try and hit on a guy using a pick up line from Lord of the Rings. After I introduced myself I followed up my stellar breakfast pick up line with, "how do you feel about second breakfast? You do know about second breakfast, right?' ...it turns out he did not, in fact know about second breakfast. His response about sums up where this entire exchange is going, "umm...I'm good with one breakfast and then lunch and dinner." (insert all my friends rolling on the floor laughing as I retell this story). Fast forward and it turns out he thought I was 27 (man, the lightening in that bar really is great) and when I threw out 36 he literally recoiled in horror and almost fell off his chair. Yadda, yadda, yadda, I gave him my number on a paper napkin (because clearly I'm ancient) and I never heard from him again. 

Tic-Tac-Toe
Yup, that's right. I use childhood games to attempt to hit on men. Clearly there is a reason why I am single guys! Back at that same bar with the great lightening and we are sitting at the bar making eye contact with a group of dudes at our nine o'clock. So I pull out a paper napkin (I'm consistent) and scratch out a tic-tac-toe game with an X in the corner and "your move" written below. Yup, that's right, tic-tac-toe and a "your move" is what I think is going to get me a husband (insert laughing emoji here). The dudes in the corner had zero clue what to do with this (dumb idiots) but finally they respond back with a circle in the other corner. Yadda, yadda, yadda, they finally come over, all of them are married/engaged except the short AF one that isn't cute. And by the time they figured out we were hitting on them and they should come over and talk to us, I was bored of this game and ready to go home. Sounds about right.

Dumb Idiot
That's right, I hit on a guy by calling him a dumb idiot. And I stand by that. Guy was a moron. Great judge of character over here. Didn't stop me from dating him on and off for 3+ years...note to self, if your pick up line is working, do not walk, RUN away as fast as you can. Normal guys do not like you nor do they enjoy your pick up lines. In case you are wondering how one works in an insult into a pick up line, it went something like, "oh, you are from New York? Bunch of dumb idiots out there" (Chicago truly is the greatest city guys). Also, the guy lived in Jersey, not New York, so a liar and dumb idiot, just my type guys!

Do you want to be a mentor?
Haha, okay this isn't actually a pick up line. Generally I reserve this line for men I am on a date with but am not interested in seeing again...hey, if there isn't any pleasure, why not generate some business?  Don't judge me! But given that it's me, I more than likely have used this to hit on a guy too. Again, it is very clear that I am destined to be single forever (soooo dramatic).