Mom’s Dead. Dad’s Gay. I’m Still Funny.

Not only a true story, but also an excellent title for my Netflix comedy special. Ya hear that powers that be at Netflix! Okay, so the title is slightly misleading considering mom died exactly one year ago today and dad has always been gay, but dammit I am still funny so that part rings true. 

Umm, wait a tick. Tuna, what do you mean your dad is gay...
Ahhh yes, dad's sexual preference. Listen, it's 2019 and I don't give a fuck what dad wants to do in his spare time, as long as it doesn't involve sobbing uncontrollably because his soulmate (mom) is dead too soon and he's now alone. Also cool with anything that doesn't involve calling me every day. Don't judge me, I'm busy over here and to be fair, I can count on two hands how many times dad picked up a phone and called me before mom died, and it generally involved a book title he thought I might be interested in. But I digress, okay folks here is the story. 

Wait, before you begin, Tuna are you okay? 
Define okay. Mom's dead, I'm divorced. Underpaid. Overworked. And I can't get a date to save my life. Things are great! Oh, you mean with my dad being gay! Yeah, I'm fine. Also, pretty intelligent over here in case ya haven't noticed. This isn't "news" to me. I've known since I was a kid. But yeah, it's out there now! And honestly, I hope he is loving every minute of it. I can't imagine how tough it was for my dad to keep this secret for 64.5 years. It's not like it was easy for me to hold onto this for the past 15 years. Yeah, I've known for awhile. Do the math folks. I was a kid. And what kid doesn't find their father's porn stash at some point? Asking for a friend...okay, I am the friend. My neighbor's dad kept his porn stashed in the garage. Playboys in case you were wondering. And yes, gay porn is pretty jarring as a kid. Mostly because I don't have those parts. Looking at playboys is basically looking at myself when I grow up. That's right, I just compared my naked body to a playboy model. Sorry, not sorry. But I suppose seeing a dick for the first time was a bit, what's the word I want, disgusting. Yup, that's it. Also fascinating. Ironically also how I would describe men today. Disgusting, yet fascinating. In case you are wondering, I still like men guys. Sorry, I am a not sorry, because, well men. But back to the beginning and how yadda, yadda, yadda, I already knew dad was gay. I just didn't talk about it. My best friend from high school had no idea. Best fucking friend, never told her. So when you ask if I am okay, because it is the first question you all ask, the answer is yes, I am okay. And when you ask how I feel about it, I feel fine. Honestly, I feel more than fine. Because what I felt before was embarrassed and ashamed of this secret I was carrying. It's not like people react favorable to "hey, my dad's gay, but he was happily married to my mom for 37 years." And only child alert, this was my burden to bear alone. And by burden, I mean secret to keep, truth to hide and childhood trauma to carry into therapy. Haha, calm down over there, by "trauma" I mean pattern of behavior. Newsflash, I keep secrets too guys. Like this one. And others. Yup, that's right. I keep secrets. This open book that you meet and try and sum up and label, yes, I am looking at you last shitty date I had... but this open book has missing pages and omitted paragraphs. The federal government has nothing on my ability to censor a story and allow people to see what they want to believe. And by people, I may or may not be talking about men. Fuck, does this mean I officially have daddy issues...idk, I'll keep you posted. I booked a few sessions with my therapist to process that emotion. Look at me just turning over a new leaf and being all honest and shit. I may avoid full disclosure like the plague, but I'm a big fan of personal growth and development! So while my dad was accidentally holding a "coming out" tour back home, I was holding my own coming out tour to my friends. And for that, I thank you. 

Anything for you Tuna! We are just happy you are okay. 
Thanks friends! And my apologies in advance for the "truth bomb" that I dropped on all of you when I "came out" about my dad. At our age, it's hard to see each other every week and I know I dropped the bomb on you rather abruptly, and in many cases via text with a joke and a P.S. my dad is gay now. You're welcome for what was hopefully a humorous text, although judging by your reaction, it was a little jarring for you. But in my defense, it was exactly what I needed. I'm a verbal processor and I needed my own "coming out" tour to be ready to talk to dad. And for that, I thank you. When dad officially came out to me 30 minutes after I landed in Chicago to spread mom's ashes and honor her memory, I was ready. I wasn't ready when she passed away. Secrets were comforting. Secrets felt safe. Secrets were what I knew. And although I laid almost everything on the table for my new friends on the East Coast (divorce, mental breakdown, business partner fucking me in the ass in the figurative way, although honestly the literally way would have for sure felt less painful), this was something I kept to myself. Mom's secrets in my childhood became my secrets in adulthood. 

I'm so sorry Tuna, that's a lot...
Yeah, it is. But also, it's my life. And another piece of the Tuna puzzle falls into place. Great news guys, it's a fantastically funny puzzle! In all seriousness, please don't be sorry. My dad expressed his sorrows (and regrets) too. And although appreciated and sweet, it was misguided. My dad loved my mother.  He truly believes that she was his soulmate and destiny. After all, he did get me out of the deal, and I'm pretty great (at least that's what people sayyyy, yeahhh). My dad spent his entire marriage faithful to mom. My mom loved my dad. And she knew he was gay. Before they got married. Was it ideal for both of them?
DK, define ideal. For me, I would say no. Based on her letters I found, coupled with his guilt and suppression of who he is, no I don't think it was ideal. Were my parents in love? Yes. Were they happy together? Depends on the year, like most marriages, but generally yes. Did they create and raise an amazing child, abso-fucking-loutely. And in my book, that's a pretty beautiful union. And for that, I am grateful. The only thing that anyone should be sorry about are the secrets. I wasn't ready to tell my dad that he need not apologize for me finding out to young (which he mentioned through tears multiple time. But honestly, that wasn't the problem. Not knowing. Holding their secrets. Living a lie. Well, in the words of the great Frank Sinatra, regrets....I have a few. Moral of the story (I feel like there should be a moral here). Be honest. Own who you are. And share it with the world. In the words of the great, late, (insert multiple who said this here) The truth shall set you free.