Life is short. P.S. I love you mom
At 7:25am on Monday, June 3, 2018, I received a phone call from the hospital informing me my mother has gone into cardiac arrest and I needed to get there as soon as possible. My heart sank. Time froze. My mom was in a hospital in Iowa and I was in New Jersey...no one could reach my dad on the phone. I called my aunt and asked her to meet my dad at the hospital. After what felt like a million phone calls, my dad finally answered. The night before, I asked to chat with my mom, but she was tired and said she would call me tomorrow. Two week ago she had a heart attack. She was finally on the mend and today she was being transferred to skilled care in the morning. We didn't expect this. I hung up the phone and collapsed in my bed. I knew she was not going to survive, but maybe...Shortly after 10AM my dad called with the news. We cried together, I told him I loved him and would look up flights and be there as soon as possible. I'm not really sure what I did with myself over the next hour, but at some point my mom's best friend called me back and I was able to face time my dad and my deceased mom. He didn't let go of her hand for hours. We both ugly cried together. I was grateful he wasn't alone; both of his sisters and his mom (who can't remember shit) were there, basically the entire family. Brace yourself, shit is about to get real.
I am so sorry Katie, this sucks. What can I do?
This totally sucks. And I am terrible at asking for help...I'm much better at helping others. Time to put my big girl pants on and lean on my friends. I'm going to need some help to get through this. I messaged a few close friends, informed work and booked a flight. Everyone was amazing. My church friend called to pray with me and gave me a ride to the airport (this is a BIG deal). LGA is a like a third world country. Pretty sure you need a passport to go there. Of course I am seriously smitten with this adorable man at the moment, and would like nothing more than to hear his voice and tell him what is going on, but I also don't want to bother him at work. Him worrying about me isn't going to bring mom back. I'll let him know after work. I packed my bags and went to get a quick pedicure (I know it sounds crazy, but it's summer and my paws are a mess. I won't have time once I land and dammit, stop judging me already, this is a great time to zone out and process everything). Dad is going to need me to be strong and gosh darn it my mom deserves well manicured feet at her funeral. Besides, I still have a few people I need to inform about my mom, including this adorable man I can't stop thinking about, and this is the perfect time.
Oh Katie, no judgements ever! People all handle their grief differently.
They sure do, and naturally I am one of the outliers. I prefer to make jokes that make people feel uncomfortable, which is why I cracked the, oh this is way too soon joke about updating my Bumble profile to include "bonus, no mother-in-law"....chillax over there, I'm not even on Bumble guys! Remember the adorable guy I am currently smitten with...well I happen to be saving that joke for him, and I happen to think this is an excellent selling point for reasons to date/marry me....alright already, I will cross that joke off for the eulogy....but I am totally using that joke at a later date dammit, and Mr. Right will find me adorably hilarious in a that's kinda fucked up sorta way. Back to this guy I'm seriously crushing on. He's sweet and naturally offers to go with me...sigh, I would love nothing more than to hug him and cuddle up in his arms to get through this, but that's not fair to ask him to do that so soon, (hey, I just met you and this is crazy, but my mom died, come meet my family maybe?). Dad and I can do this together. My Chicago bestie will be there to help me get through the funeral. And my east coast besties are amazing and helping me get through this too.
Wait, you are giving the eulogy?!
Yup, I am giving the eulogy and it's going to suck. Now is probably a good time to mention I am an only child and was literally the sunshine of my mom's life (You are my sunshine, my only sunshine is the song she used to sing to me). My parents are not religious (spiritual yes, attending church and friendly with a pastor that will perform a service, no and no). Honestly, after you help your grieving father plan a funeral, learn to cook, understand the various cold/hot settings when doing laundry, buy a new outfit for the funeral and pick out a new home for your mom (urn), this eulogy thing doesn't sound so bad (enters narrator), it will, in fact, be fucking terrible, but it will also be exactly what mom would have wanted. Of course I should have told her all these things when she was alive...ahh don't worry guys, in addition to being hilarious, I also happen to be occasionally sentimental. I found a letter I wrote her before I left for college (see below) where I said all the things I wish I could have said again before she died. Sweet and hysterical, how on earth am I single guys?! It saddens me that mom will never get to meet the lucky bastard who gets to spend the rest of his life with me. Although at this rate and the amount of help my dad needs transitioning through this, perhaps my mom already has met the man I'm spending my life with..(just kidding guys, dad would never move and I'm not living in small town USA, population dad). Alright, enough of the jokes already. Time to eulogize mom.
Life is short; Ps I love you mom
Good Afternoon. Thank you so much for being here today as we remember the many ways Terri impacted our lives. If you don't know who I am, then I am not really sure why you are here, because if there is one thing my mom liked to talk about it, it was me, her favorite child (note, I would like to say, then get the fuck outta here, but I'm gonna keep it PG for the old folks in the crowd). Mom was always my biggest cheerleader; she always supported me and she loved me so much. I asked her once what her favorite decade of life was and she responded, my 30s and 40s, probably my 40s if I had to choose; I loved going to your basketball games and tennis matches, listening to your band and choir concerts and helping you get ready for all your high school dances. (For the record, my dad said his favorite decade was his first one...ages 0-10...before I was born. Gee, thanks dad). I remember the one time my mom missed a basketball game (don't worry, dad was there reading his book). I remember it so well, because it was the only game she ever missed. Growing up, what I remember most about my mom is how truly amazing she was; she worked long hours, always made sure there was a home cooked meal on the table, and like Mary Poppins, she carried around a "magic bag" that always had exactly what you needed. Headache? Need a tampon? How about a snack? Forget your gym socks? Don't worry, mom's magic bag has everything you need, right when you need it! This was my mom.
She was always there with advice too. Sometimes it was great advice, like don't smoke cigarettes or get knocked up by the neighbor boy (seriously, this was great advice guys, teenage pregnancy in my hometown was no joke). And occasionally, mom gave me terrible advice, like the time she taught me how to tuck my shirt into my underwear so it wouldn't come un-tucked, and then all the kids saw my underwear at school and made fun of me. It's called character building, not bullying, I was fine. Or the time my mom helped me color my hair blonde...through a cap...I was rocking an umbro before and umbro was cool (for the record, that look is never cool guys, it looks terrible, just like I did in high school). There was also the sage advice she gave that resulted in me getting made fun of as a child (again, character building, not bullying) but also meant everything to me as an adult. As we entered the 90's, where short shorts were no longer cool, my mom naturally sent little "legs for days Katie" off to school rocking the shortest pair of shorts she could find. When I came home and told her all the kids laughed at me she gave me the best fashion advice a mom can give (at the time it was absolute crap, for the record, but I digress). "Honey, if you got it, flaunt it. Your legs are your best asset and you have no reason to be ashamed of them." (insert little Katie eye roll here). But of course, mom was right...short dresses are totally my jam.
What makes me smile the most about my mom (and also drove me crazy) was how much she wanted us to be alike as adults. In college, we shared the same box of hair dye and literally looked like awful red-haired twins (what on earth was I thinking). Every time I came home she would ask me about my make up or hair products and sure enough, she would be using the same ones the next time I came to visit. When I got my first job after college, I bought us matching Dooney & Burke purses (different styles, same pattern). I suppose I carried on that tradition as much as she did. As we speak, we have the exact same cell phone case (I picked it out after she did, unknowingly of course). Like mom, after college I moved away to big city, and I LOVED it, just like she did (she met my dad and moved back...I ran away from boys in my town like the plague to avoid just that).
The hardest part of losing someone you love is often the words you wished you had said. Lucky for me, I am an amazing daughter (or at least I have my moments) and before I left for college I wrote my mom a letter telling her all the things I wish I would have said when I stepped off that plane after her heart attack. Even though it was 17 years ago and she probably didn't remember (I know I sure didn't), what's important to me is that I said it and I meant every word.
Dear Mom,
Being a mom must be hard and maybe I'll never truly understand (damn, even at 18 I somehow knew I would be 35 and single) how you manage to love and forgive me for all the things I do. Writing this brought tears to my eyes, I hope it touches you. Being a parent must be like playing God. You forgive me of all my sins and love me unconditionally. Even when I scream and yell, you continue to love me. To me, that is amazing. I don't think I can ever appreciate you enough. And though I don't always show it, I really do know all the things you do for me. I know you stay up late sometimes, doing laundry for me, and working extra hours to feed and clothe me. I know that when you are tired you still love me and cook for me and I know that mustn't be easy. I know you lay awake at night feeling bad for punishing me. I know you worry, and as funny as it seems, I really do love you for punishing me (what the fuck Tuna, no you don't, that shit sucked!). If it wasn't for you love, I could end up like Shelby or Courtney, looking for love in all the wrong places (insert cackle here, even at 18 I was funny as fuck, and accurate too...wait a tick, does Bumble count as looking for love in all the wrong places...). I know I take you for granted and I'm sorry. Please forgive me and continue on loving me. Happy Mother's Day mom! When I go off to college, even though I complain, I wouldn't mind if you were nearby. I'd secretly love it. I don't think you realize how much I care, but I do. I love you so much, mom. I hope you know I am not so bad, and I'm glad you continue on loving me, because i know I will always continuing loving you.
P.S I love you mom
If I could go back in time, I would add this:
P.P.S I hope you know how truly beautiful you were, inside and out. I am just like you in so many ways. You raised me to be fiercely independent and confident in who I am. Because of you, I believed in myself enough to move to Chicago without a job, start a business with zero experience, get divorced in my thirties and move to NYC without knowing a single person. I could not have survived divorce and losing my business without you. It wasn't easy on you and I know how scared you were for me when I packed up my car and moved to Hoboken. But I'm like you mom; I easily made new friends and put my own stamp on this town. I also know that you wanted to see me happy with a life partner. Mom, I hope you know how happy I am with myself as a life partner (mom had given up on getting grandkids when I turned 35...). I am happier than I have ever been, living alone and surrounded by amazing friends. I'm sad that you won't get to meet the lucky S.O.B that gets to spend the rest of his life with me, but hey, at least this way you don't have to pay for another wedding! (sorry about that first one mom). I love you always momma!
P.P.S One more thing mom, glamour shots?! Really? Thanks for the memories mom. I love you.
