Grateful for grief
Today I’m feeling grateful I’m no longer riding the stages of grief wave. For the first time since my life got flipped, turned upside down, (insert divorce and hostile takeover of my business here), I’ve been a passenger along for the ride, fighting and trying my best to stay above water. Just when I would get up and think I got the hang of this grief thing, life would happen, the tide would turn, and the wave of grief would wash right over me. Grief isn’t linear. Like the men I used to date, it would come and hang out for a while and then go away.
My inpatient self didn’t want to make space for the grief. Until this very moment, I wouldn’t have considered myself in a state of grief. Anxious at times, probably. Depressed, most definitely. But grieving the loss of my identity and life in Illinois? Grieving the loss of my mother? Nahhh. I’m fine. Grief is weakness. Grief is wallowing in sadness. Grief is something we ignore until it confronts us in a dark alley when we least expect it. Grief looks like a father sobbing uncontrollably with a pain that just won’t go away, because his soulmate is dead. Grief is not being able to focus at work or practice self care, because you miss your mom.
Grief fucking sucks. But grief also serves a purpose.
Today, I’m also feeling grateful for grief. For a girl who spent her whole life denying its existence, it feels pretty damn good to grieve. At the end of grief, you discover a new meaning and purpose. You learn whoo you are, whoo your friends are, and whoo you want to be on the other side of grief. Today I let the tears fall as I typed the last two sentences of the first paragraph. It feels good to remember mom, and it feels sad too.
Last year in May, I wrote a blog about how mom was up in heaven workin’ her magic to find me a man. Bravo mom. You fucking nailed it. All that shit I crawled through in Illinois to get to Hoboken, New Jersey was worth it for this man and our adorable doggo. And for dad too. Like Oprah, mom’s up in heaven just handing out men. Dad gets a man! And Katie gets a man! Who’s next guys?! I mean, finding a man in New York is like finding a needle in a haystack in New York. For those of you that haven’t been, there aren’t any haystacks in New York. Honestly, I think mom may qualify for Sainthood here. I may need to put in a phone call to the Pope on this one. For those of you who would feel grateful to find a man, make those prayer requests to the original Momma Eades.
What are you grateful for today? #daythreeofgratitude
