The Week of Courageous Rhythms
Each year around this time I feel called to do something courageous. Something that challenges me as a leader, gives me something new to learn about myself, and like in the case of 2023, (re)master a routine required for my radiance, i.e. what keeps me healthy and radiating my sunshine out into the world. Nothing felt more courageous to me than attending my first Club Pilates class…until I followed it up the next day with an introductory session at a CrossFit gym, CF Courageous to be exact, in case you want to check out their insta page I hope to never be featured on, but I digress. Back to being the cowardly lion on a search for my courage again…which in case you were wondering what makes this so hard, it’s not the workouts, it’s the CPTSD for me, or whatever acronym we are using these days to refer to mental breakdown and your nervous system being triggered by places that remind you of whooo you were when you let people lie and manipulate you...
On my drive to the gym I gave myself a mental pep-talk that included the following:
Don’t tell them you owned a CrossFit gym, you probably need the Pilates class and I just bought socks so this is our new rhythm, so just check it out so you can say you did, and also don’t fully be yourself and share too much information.
I should also mention the drive didn’t start this way. It started with Pandora kicking off with the most apropos song you can possibly think of (see youtube below), reminding me that I AM a Bad Mama Jama! The first 6 blocks as I rocked out to this song on my short little drive to the place I wasn’t joining, I felt called to snap a photo of this synchronistic song to share with the ‘gram…it wasn’t until I pulled up to the gym that I realized what was truly driving the above thoughts…naturally the next post on the instagram is to share what makes me a Bad Mama Jama and thus why Pandroa OWLways ‘gets me’, i.e. a pic of the CrossFit Courageous sign with an OWL soaring in the background of course!
Instead of posting that photo, I observed the mental debate going on in my head that included the following:
Shallower breathing that had moved from my stomach to my upper chest, followed by the fear and hesitancy of posting a photo due to the people that watch my insta and are very close friends with the very people mentioned above, people whoo blocked a CrossFit gym in NYC from hiring me…nope, no photo for where I am, if I like this gym I don’t want them to have the slightest chance of knowing and…and what Katie? What could they possibly say? Besides whatever it is they said before that wasn’t true…Skip the photo. Keep your mouth shut. Check it out, remember you’re probably going to pilates anyway.
Whew! Even just reliving that as I typed was quite the feelings in my body. If I were to flashback to how I even arrived here, the honest answer is that I liked the name. It felt quite fitting that the place I would get my radiance back would offer me Courage every single time I walked in the door. Speaking of which, when I walked in I had a few minutes to poke around before the owner came out to introduce himself. I appreciated that synchronicity just as much as I appreciated his great handshake and energetic vibe. He really nailed it with his CF name, because Courageous I was as I began word vomiting story after story that included my experience in CrossFit, Olympic Lifting, Power Lifting, and starting the CrossFit Kids program at CrossFit Hoboken…and then he asked the powerful question:
So is CrossFit Hoboken where you got your start in CrossFit?
Fuck. I’m a professional truth teller, it says so on my LinkedIn page…and I am OWL about authenticity, it is the GREATEST gift I unlock for my clients. The truth is, the pep talk I was giving myself revealed exactly what was holding me back from even wanting to go back to CrossFit—I do not wish to tell a lie, I will not walk into a gym and pretend to be someone I’m not, and yet, I was still afraid to be whooo I am in an environment that is such a small community when I launched the CrossFit Kids program, a poster of my ex-business partner was on the wall above the whiteboard. The great irony of it OWL does not escape me. I so appreciate the front desk manager immediately offering to take it down, to which I laughed and said, nah, I don’t usually notice, but when I do it makes me laugh.
So what about my nervous system wasn’t laughing yet?! And also why can’t my brain just give minimal information…I got my start in Chicago at the second gym in the city. Which is what I shared. And then as he recapped what I said he asked if those were the only places I worked out at, I apparently found the immediate courage to mention I also owned a CrossFit gym, QTown CrossFit, currently QTown Fitness since they dropped the DBA. I knew what I was doing when I set up that gym…but I digress. And before ya knew it I was semi-word vomiting more backstory…
It turns out being authentic Katie is OWLways more than enough, because it was here that I heard myself say out loud what it was that I really wanted:
I never returned to a CrossFit gym after COVID and I really am just looking forward to being a member, getting coached, and being a part of a community.
The minute I stepped foot into the actual gym (the offices and Physio are separated by a door, just like the gym I built!), well it was impressive. Not just impressive, dare I say it felt exciting and expansive. As if I was expanding my courage simply by standing in the gym, ready to accept starting over as an experienced beginner again.
Talk about a Rewrite Your Story moment! As I stood there chatting with the owner, hearing his story and journey through entrepreneurship, I felt safe. Safe in my authenticity. Safe in my own story. And when I returned home to tell Dan about my courageous adventures (See what I did there), I found that laughter I was missing, and the safety I needed to be like Kevin McAlester from Home Alone and shout in my head, “I’m not afraid anymore!” I didn’t tell Dan about my fear around posting a photo. It isn’t something Dan said to make me feel safe, it is just whoo he is, his essence that speaks and says, I will fuck anybody up that tries to hurt you. Haha what can I say, the kid has my back!
If I’m being truly honest, courageous if you will, prior to taking myself to the local coffee shop to check things off my list and write this blog, I was doubting I had the courage to be this vulnerable with the world…then I remembered my terrible website traffic stats and laughed a little bit. And yet, the fear was still there when I sat down to write my story.
Rewriting your story isn’t about rewriting what happened in the past. It’s about being the hero in your current story, embracing your wounded self in the old story, and holding yourself accountable to judging people, places, and things with an open heart, so you can continue to love and experience the world AND hold new standards for what you allow in your life today. Judging with an open heart is discernment; something I failed to exercise when I allowed myself to ‘be a victim’ and be treated so terribly by others.
I am a bad Mama Jama. So are you. You too, can do hard things. It is in the observing of yourself, your thoughts, and noticing where your breath is in those moments that allow you to create more self-awareness, which leads to creating more capacity to be your authentic self, and lead your life from a place of self-acceptance and inner-authority.
My inner authority (gut) told me to Courageously sign up for their 7 day trial, starting tonight at 6:30pm. My legs are gonna be pissed, it’s back squat day and I just did that pilates class…My brain is OWLready stoked for the fun to begin while simultaneously wanting to vomit as it contemplates the workout…My soul…well she is SOARing OWLready, excited for 2024 and OWL the abundance that is currently on the way!
What is your soul yearning for? What new self-awareness and capacity could you create from a single strategic session with me? More importantly, whooo or what is stopping you?! Say OWL DO IT and book your first session with me before 2024 and save 40%!
