Relationship lessons learned moving to Tennessee
According to “the experts,” moving is one of the top 5 stressors you can experience in the modern world, and if stress has taught me anything, it’s that my stress equals additional stress on my partner, and vice versa. Stress is energy—you can feel, and so can everyone else in the room with you. Inviting my dad, eh more like coercing my dad into helping me pack and unpack, well, that’s a whole lot more stress for everyone involved.
The great news about stress that the experts fail to mention, is what a great time it is to observe yourself, reflect on what you learned, and let go of what is no longer serving you. Check out the lessons I’ve learned and the patterns/behaviors I’m leaving behind in Jersey.
3 Lessons Learned Moving to Tennessee
I am designed to wear shoes whenever I am moving furniture, packing boxes, walking around the house, and/or simply existing during a time where we are moving.
Yes, I said I am designed this way, because I can’t possibly fathom how else it is that my feet are ALWAYS, ALWAYS the injured party in all the injuries that take place, except when it’s my funny bone and/or my shin. Prior to sitting down to write this blog, Dan and I moved a piece of furniture 12 feet away from where it was currently sitting and BAM he backs up too quickly and smashes the cabinet into my foot. You would think I would be numb to the pain by now, but no, that is not how I am designed, unfortunately. As I yelled out an expletive, feeling the pain course through my body, I followed it up by yelling, “I’m no longer allowed to move furniture without shoes!”
This lesson learned in relationships is OWL about taking accountability…
Deep down I blamed Dan a little bit, ehh maybe more than I care to admit, and had it happened the week we moved in, I would have yelled at him to be more careful and kept it moving. But in this brief moment of stress, I felt connected to my witty and wise self, the one whoo knows how to take responsibility for her own actions and solve her own problems. Dan handed me my shoes, I dramatically put them on (my toe was throbbing) and we finished moving the cabinet.
I’m letting go of my pattern of never wearing shoes (because I hate them) whenever I’m moving heavy objects.
2. In times of stress, how we are relating to others is a reflection of how we are relating to ourselves.
Sometimes I just need to get my energy out into words, which is exactly what I did when I muttered to Dan, “You can be a real dick sometimes.” As I stomped away, frustrated and angry at myself for not remaining calm in this moment, it was not lost on me that I, too, can be a dick sometimes…like in that moment when I yelled at him. I am designed to be the clam lake in the midst of a storm, and when others fail to do so, I judge them the way I judge myself, harshly.
This lesson learned in relationships is OWL about owning your projections…
It would have been more accurate for me to yell, “We can be real dicks sometimes!” And I knew that almost immediately after it came spewing out of my mouth. Back to lesson number 1 and taking responsibility, I spent the rest of our move (this happened days before the actual move), reminding myself of this projection and using empathy for myself, because moving is seriously stressful, and empathy for Dan and my dad at the times when they, too, weren’t showing up as their true self. I’ve also learned that there can be value in losing your temper and just ‘Naming’ what is going on. Dan was being a dick and he apologized, and he was a more patient with me moving forward.
I’m letting go of judgement and picking up empathy instead.
3. We lose the ability to communicate effectively when under continuous stress.
If I was to sum up a theme of where our communication break downs occurred, Trust, but verify comes to mind. Dan and my mother both equally love that saying, and I’m beginning to see why. Had I used my powerful questioning to verify that all the boxes were checked, I would have saved us a whole lot of time. It would have saved us a second trip to the DMV. And if Dan had used his stickler and hypervigiliant skillset to check with me, it would have saved us from a third trip to the DMV (third time is a charm, officially Knoxville residents, y’all!).
Dan also suggested a lesson learned is that I should listen to him more, to which I replied, yes AND you should listen to me more, and perhaps read this blog so you can learn about lesson #2 (projection) and #1 (accountability), but I digress. Yes…And
This lesson learned in relationships is a theme song inspired by The Captain and Tennille (see here) and is OWL about how LOVE keeps us together.
Love truly keeps us together. I think I might actually love Dan more after our move. Probably because I’m no longer projecting anything on him. And vice versa. Our love language happens to be music, so when one of us breaks out into a song with lyrics we just made up about the situation we are in, and the other one adds their own lyrics to complete the song, the stress melts away into laughter. Laughter is chatter for the soul. It releases the ‘pain reliever’ hormone, allowing you to have more capacity for empathy for yourself, and others. And can I just say we wrote a banger of a song on the way home from the DMV (trips 2 & 3).
I’m letting go of any fears I may have, so that I can love those around me better
What patterns or behaviors are no longer serving you in relationships? Does love keep you together, both literally and figuratively? More importantly, how are you relating to yourself? And whoo will SOAR alongside you along the way? Is it me? Schedule an introductory session and find out!
